The Things That We Do In The Dark
In the dark, in secret, I wear tight tank tops that don't fit my chest properly. I slather chalky cover-up over the tenacious pimple on my chin after I've squeezed the hell out of it. I sneak Lea and Perrins worcestershire sauce into the broccoli cheese soup to add the perfect amount of "je ne sais pas que." I listen to "Rhythm Is a Dancer" over and over as I mambo. I pause on "The Maury Show" to find out the results of the current paternity test. I wedge little pink packets for that "special time of the month" into the pockets of my purse. I sketch out elaborate plans for Sims 2 people and communities. I complain about bruised feelings while rapidly devouring six scoops of Tin Roof Sundae ice cream from a mixing bowl.
These are the things that I do in the dark, in secret. I do them BECAUSE no one's looking.
But there are things that I do because I want to be seen: I wear heavy eye liner. I wear flirty camisoles. I bleach my teeth. I sing loudly in the car, especially at stop lights. I strut. I blog. I put a wreath on the front door to correspond to the season. I dance at nightclubs and at concerts. I sit down on the floor in the magazine section at Border's, spreading my selections out and flipping through them. I write.
The question is: would I still do those things, even if no one was looking? Would I take time to draw on the eyeliner? Would I strut? Would I write?
You bet your ass.
Because the truth is: no one's looking half as much as I think they are. No one is interested in my business or my highlights or my odd body postures on the bookstore floor. And as much as it smarts, no one is really all that interested in my writing or my words.
So, I ask you this: whichever art form you love the most, whichever one you invest your energy in, would you do it if you knew that no one would ever watch? Would you do it without the acknowledgement of a smile or a buck or a nod? Would you do it knowing that you would never hear applause?
Would you do it, among other things, in the dark?
These are the things that I do in the dark, in secret. I do them BECAUSE no one's looking.
But there are things that I do because I want to be seen: I wear heavy eye liner. I wear flirty camisoles. I bleach my teeth. I sing loudly in the car, especially at stop lights. I strut. I blog. I put a wreath on the front door to correspond to the season. I dance at nightclubs and at concerts. I sit down on the floor in the magazine section at Border's, spreading my selections out and flipping through them. I write.
The question is: would I still do those things, even if no one was looking? Would I take time to draw on the eyeliner? Would I strut? Would I write?
You bet your ass.
Because the truth is: no one's looking half as much as I think they are. No one is interested in my business or my highlights or my odd body postures on the bookstore floor. And as much as it smarts, no one is really all that interested in my writing or my words.
So, I ask you this: whichever art form you love the most, whichever one you invest your energy in, would you do it if you knew that no one would ever watch? Would you do it without the acknowledgement of a smile or a buck or a nod? Would you do it knowing that you would never hear applause?
Would you do it, among other things, in the dark?
posted by Cate at 6:58 AM
15 Comments:
Seriously Cate, we are going to have to connect our blogs because you throw these gems out there and then I have to bounce them around in my head and end up posting similar on my blog.
WOW, another great thought. My answer is yes on painting and creating, no on personal care. One thing I struggled with during this past year living out in the boonies is that I saw NO ONE...for long periods of time even. Well except of course my family. I felt very "who cares" on make up, dressing nice, etc. It really taught me a lot about myself and how much of what we do is for "other people".
As far as art, I have and always will do it...in the dark, in a park and even when I hear a lark. Heehee, Dr. Seuss just possesd me, sorry.
Fantastic, mind jarring read!
a.
Yep, I would. I have. I do.
Indubitably!
I would not change much about myself because right now I do not care what others think anyway. I would still write and probably still film things. For me, its more about my self satisfaction of knowing that I did it. That I completed it. Whether a story, poem, script, movie or photograph, I would continue in a heartbeat.
Actually, I may have to try some of it in the dark because I bet it would give a whole new perspective on things. As always, love that you make us think every day.
Read ya' later!
I would spent very little time writing.
For me, writing is about the connection with the reader. I don't get nearly as much pleasure from my writing as I do reading other's writing. Without the connection, the sharing, writing is empty to me.
A,
I could've guessed your response to that question. It's one of the reasons why I admire you (and your art) so much.
Deb,
I KNEW IT! And you pursue so many "artistic" paths!
Human Z,
There is a lot of reward in completing projects. Thanks for your comment!
Jason,
WOW--you make an excellent point. So much of art IS about the connection with the audience. I suppose that that's important to me, but I love writing for the insights that it gives me about my own beliefs and also the therapeutic aspects of it.
Hmmm, you've given me something to think about--thank you!
my answer would be yes. i do the personal care stuff for myself, although my husband has now become accustomed to certain parts of it. it's only recently, with blogging, that i've ever shown what i write, what i journal and that's why it's still very private in my real life. the people that do know don't care and i'm alright with that.
hi there - FIRST of all, I AM interested in your writing and your words. so there.
and SECOND of all - yes. It's taken me a long, long time to write again. I didn't, you know, for years, so now I can't imagine not doing it. There are very few 'public' things I would bother doing if no one else ever saw me, but yes. I would write.
SUCH a good question. I THINK I would still write and paint. I would. But... feedback and, dare I admit it, praise, are so important. I don't need to know that 10 million people will see my work, but some. But I would do it anyway, because even when I hate it, I love it!
cate cate cate... what a great post! i think i could just plant myself at your blog to let my mind be me, wander, explore and feel alive. btw. i am interested in your words. because sometimes the shortness of words makes me want to scream! really loudly. the bravery in the way you write is a total journey of honesty. That most people yearn for but at the same time hide from it. such a great post, such great questions, MUCH to ponder... thank you! cheers!
Yes, and in the dark too (well, maybe with a flashlight).
The second I figure out how the hell to create a blog list on my cite, you're going on there! :o).
First, I just watched "The Maury Show" to find out the results of the current paternity test" earlier this week. I completely busted out laughing as I read your words.
Second, I would absolutely without a doubt write, sing, listen, love, get my heartbroken, read these blogs, laugh, cry, and just be me because the things I do in the dark and the things that bring light to my life...
Finally, thanks for asking the question and reminding me to step up and own myself!
I think a HUGE part of creating is sharing. What we create is a way to connect (as mentioned above) to help, to heal, to bring laughter and joy and so much more. I think what we create is meant to be shared. You have to be willing to be vulnerable though. I think you know what I mean. But you never know the impact your work might have on another person. And I think most of us crave a little praise or acknowlegement once in a while.
Acumamakiki,
I'm just like you. I write some things "to share" but the majority of what I write is housed in a private, spiral bound notebook. The penmanship is so bad, I don't think anyone could read it if they tried! Thanks for sharing your thoughts about this!
Meg,
As someone else who had also "misplaced" her writing for several years, I hear ya, sister! Now, that we've found it again, I don't see us ever letting it go!
Laini,
SO TRUE. I obviously love the reactions and feedback (esp. the positive ones), too! I have a hard time with the balance--I can get sucked in by reactions, and when I don't get any, feel blue. I work really hard at remembering that connecting with an audience can be transient and hidden. Thanks for your fabulous insights!
Earth Monkey,
Come over anytime! Bring chocolate. I'll provide the coffee, tea, or beer! We can discuss creative philosophies and read poetry books! Thank you for those generous words--they meant a lot to me!
Ell,
You made me think about all of the times when, as a kid, I snuck reading in the dark (used the hall light, scrambled under the covers when I heard footsteps!). Thanks for your comment!
Gogo,
Thank you! I'm so glad that you would do that stuff no matter what! And what is it about "Maury?" He seems to be alternating betweent two main topics: gorgeous drag queens and paternity test results. And why do we watch?! It's like a train wreck, I feel. I just can't pull myself away!
Jennifer,
Agreed. Y'know, when I first wrote this post, I felt a bit defiant about writing without an audience. I've had many rejections lately, and when I think about writing for "someone else," I feel like I'm giving my power away--they get to decide if my words are worthy or not. I hadn't thought much, however, about the connection with the audience, the quiet moments that we, as artists, don't always get to see, where someone says: "This work speaks to me. It makes me excited. It makes me feel comforted or less alone." I do write for myself, yet I am hopeful for those kinds of connections. Admitting that is hard because it DOES make you vulnerable (can't predict how things will turn out). Thank you for sharing your impressions and inspiring me to reflect!
Lynn,
Can I just tell you how impressed and inspired I am with your "poem a day" accomplishment!? Keep going, chick! I hope that one day, you will share many of them with your readers!
I would just let go. and dance in the middle of the street when I feel moved to do so. I would paint with my fingers more. I would let go of my judgement when it comes to drawing. it doesn't matter. who will see it? oh i could just go on and on here. taking a breath and letting go. and i think i might even dance naked a bit more...hmmm...scares the hell out of me.
Liz,
I have a REALLY hard time drawing. I find that I get angry that I can't put my "vision" onto paper. I wish that I could let go of the frustration and just enjoy drawing the way I did when I was a kid. I love your list of the things that you would do. It all comes down to taking those breaths and letting go--you're right!
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