A Sigh Called "Compassion"
So, I've decided to work on my "compassion," much the way I might have chosen to work on my greasy T-zone, inner thighs, and SAT vocabulary in high school. I was inspired by Patry, whom I have gobs of admiration for, and she was inspired by Ben Franklin, who made a list of the virtues that he wanted to embody. If there was ever a chain to link onself to, this is it.
I am judgmental. If you complain about a bad marriage for three years and refuse to listen to any advice or to take action, I'm gonna feel a little irritated and assume that you deserve what you get. If you refuse to send your child to our neighborhood school because it's failing (which, indeed, it is) but won't visit the facility, talk with the principal or the teachers, and get the actual data that explains why it is failing, I'm gonna judge you. If, for the past five years, you have been making the exact same macrame plant hangers out of the exact same hemp twine using the exact same knot sequences, and you achieve some sort of fame based upon the originality of your art, I'm gonna judge you (and your fan base). If you can't speak two languages yet make ugly remarks about people who come to America, work exhausting jobs for low pay, and occasionally lapse into their mother-tongue, I'm gonna judge you.
I try not to judge based on appearance, religious or political preferences, or household cleanliness. I have been a zealot with a zitty chin and a moldy bathtub at times myself; that can be its own cross to bear. I do judge on restaurant preferences, treatment of animals, and knowledge of current events.
But I'm coming to realize that judging others is not my place. People do the best that they can with the information that they have. People are entitled to make mistakes. Sometimes, they are not go-getters. Sometimes, they do not want to enlighten themselves. That's okay. It's not my business unless I'm asked, and even then, I am not skipping over the cracks in the sidewalk in their shoes--they are. Besides, I know nothing about their personal histories, their insecurities, their issues, that have led them to the house where they currently reside.
Sometimes, the things that I believe are mistakes are NOT mistakes at all.
Whoa.
Judging people is an ugly way to live. It is full of meanness and insecurity and contempt.
I think I do it because I am so afraid of being judged.
I would much rather judge you first because that way, when you look down your nose at me, I won't feel inadequate because, in my book, you've already established yourself as an ass.
The person whom I judge the most is myself.
This weekend, I TRIED (really, I did) not to judge. I tried to take things at surface value and feel compassion instead. I tried to embrace instead of stomp. I tried to be a daisy instead of a cactus. I was successful at times; more often than not, I wasn't.
It is one thing to be passionate, but not about anyone else or their business. I must be passionate about my own quirky values, awkward appearance, and off-kilter pursuits.
The freaky whirl-a-gigs that other people use to decorate their world--well, that's their business. As much as I think that I know, there's more that I don't.
Compassion. It even sounds like a sigh..
I am judgmental. If you complain about a bad marriage for three years and refuse to listen to any advice or to take action, I'm gonna feel a little irritated and assume that you deserve what you get. If you refuse to send your child to our neighborhood school because it's failing (which, indeed, it is) but won't visit the facility, talk with the principal or the teachers, and get the actual data that explains why it is failing, I'm gonna judge you. If, for the past five years, you have been making the exact same macrame plant hangers out of the exact same hemp twine using the exact same knot sequences, and you achieve some sort of fame based upon the originality of your art, I'm gonna judge you (and your fan base). If you can't speak two languages yet make ugly remarks about people who come to America, work exhausting jobs for low pay, and occasionally lapse into their mother-tongue, I'm gonna judge you.
I try not to judge based on appearance, religious or political preferences, or household cleanliness. I have been a zealot with a zitty chin and a moldy bathtub at times myself; that can be its own cross to bear. I do judge on restaurant preferences, treatment of animals, and knowledge of current events.
But I'm coming to realize that judging others is not my place. People do the best that they can with the information that they have. People are entitled to make mistakes. Sometimes, they are not go-getters. Sometimes, they do not want to enlighten themselves. That's okay. It's not my business unless I'm asked, and even then, I am not skipping over the cracks in the sidewalk in their shoes--they are. Besides, I know nothing about their personal histories, their insecurities, their issues, that have led them to the house where they currently reside.
Sometimes, the things that I believe are mistakes are NOT mistakes at all.
Whoa.
Judging people is an ugly way to live. It is full of meanness and insecurity and contempt.
I think I do it because I am so afraid of being judged.
I would much rather judge you first because that way, when you look down your nose at me, I won't feel inadequate because, in my book, you've already established yourself as an ass.
The person whom I judge the most is myself.
This weekend, I TRIED (really, I did) not to judge. I tried to take things at surface value and feel compassion instead. I tried to embrace instead of stomp. I tried to be a daisy instead of a cactus. I was successful at times; more often than not, I wasn't.
It is one thing to be passionate, but not about anyone else or their business. I must be passionate about my own quirky values, awkward appearance, and off-kilter pursuits.
The freaky whirl-a-gigs that other people use to decorate their world--well, that's their business. As much as I think that I know, there's more that I don't.
Compassion. It even sounds like a sigh..
posted by Cate at 7:39 AM
20 Comments:
Whoa, you don't start small with the self-improvement projects, do you? Learning to be less judgemental is a big one - at least it would be for me.
I admire that you're trying!
I love your posts.. they are so thoughtful, and they make ME think, much in the way one of my other favorite blog writers does. And you write a lot of the same things I think. As much as judgment may be a bad thing, without it on some level (like you were saying about cruelty to animals, etc..) what would we have?
So wonderfully balanced was this composition!! I judged it - and loved it.
We could all use a little more compassion I think. Thanks for the reminder.
You never fail to amaze me. Your words are both daggers and pillows at the same time. You throw them out to us in this blogging world of ours and some sting while others make us laugh and giggle.
I feel that judging in many ways is a part of life. Everybody does it. Whether as a defense mechanism, no common sense, or just to be a bully. The severity of judging, the way you judge, or when you judge are all things that can be modified and changed. In the end, compassion will be learned, and we can grow from it.
Thanks again for making us realize that WE ALL CAN LEARN and CHANGE if we really want to. Ties back beautifully to another post I believe you wrote about choices.
You have a wonderful way with words. Thanks for sharing these things with us!
I live in a place with prickly pear cactus. I think that cactus can still be a cactus and it has compassion - afterall the rabbits are eating it like crazy because they need the water inside it. Just a crazy thought to offer you....
Also, I realized you left me a nice comment on the first Sunday Scribbling and I just made the connection. I get overwhelmed at times when I discover a whole new group of blogs like I have with the Sunday Scribblings.
Seems to me this piece could just as easily be titled "real life" again. Because all human life is there. You've done a wonderful job of drawing together your thoughts on such a real topic. Thank you.
hilarious! this post made me grin, made me giggle, made me exclaim, 'me, too!' and made me wince a little bit. I loved it. I completely (would have italics for emphasis if I knew how to do them in comments) understand your judgements and why you commit them. And it was a little bit too close to home. still. hilarious.
This post is great. It speaks volumes to me as a judgemental and not nice person. I don't like this about myself and it's a waste of time that could be better spent on making myself better. Then I really can be judgemental. Kidding!! (=
Judgment is a way of life. It's natural, unfortunately. I think it's hard-wired in our psyches. It takes a lot of discipline not to give it free reign.
How often do you check comments and how fast do you write? Contest to win a book is over at midnight. Want to give it a go? Nothing like late notice...:-)
oh, and to what you wrote, for sure compassion can't happen completely overnight. Certainly I've found the same, the more harshly I judge myself, the more I'm apt to judge how others should run their life and step beyond my boundary of what is in my control. I think that's why we get such a long life span. Cats and dogs get it faster. ;-)
Oh Cate I thought this was so wonderful and yes, just another slice of "real life". Very thought provoking. You know what I thought though...is that being judgmental is not always a bad thing either. Especially being mothers and being our childrens protectors. It is our job to judge our surroundings, the people, the parents of their friends, their friends, etc.
Great post as usual dear.
a.
P.S
Please don't judge me on my spelling tonight, I am ill. :)
Personally, I think it is very necessary to be judgemental. Not in a mean-spirited, closed-minded way, but with as much empathy as possible, taking into account extenuating circumstances. We need to observe and judge, and know when to be silent in our judgements and when to speak up. Also, I've thought a lot about what being a fiction reader does for your empathy -- I think the more books you've read, the more lives you've imagined, the more you become equipt to imagine or understand the unique and convoluted paths others take to arrive at their situations, flaws, whatever. And it makes it easier to have empathy. So when you hear on the news that some woman drowned her children in the bathtub, or whatever, you know that her own personal story is filled with many complicated factors. You don't just assume she didn't like her children very much. That's an extreme example, but it extends to more nuanced situations too. (And I think it's definitely OK to judge on political affiliation!! especially now.)
These days I judge less and am disappointed (with a sigh) more. Humans are wonderful animals at surviving, but the methods which got us to this point are not well suited for here on out.
Thank you so much for all of your thoughts--it has been very interesting to read everyone's take on this. I'm grateful that you've shared your opinions!
If I'm being honest (had to say that--soooo Simon Cowell), I don't think that I communicated my original ideas very well yesterday. I didn't mean to say that being judgmental isn't necessary or automatic to one degree or another--and many of you bring up excellent points about that (thank you, a., when you mentioned its importance in terms of parenting; thank you, holli, and your thoughts about cruelty to animals!). I just find that MY judgmentalness (?!) has been steeped in a lot of ugliness--not being liberal or generous enough to give my "victim" the benefit of extenuating circumstances (hence, lack of compassion), not remembering that I have been in a position many a time when I did not make "good" or moral choices. While I think that I'm entitled to judge on many levels (and I think that it's a critical part of the learning process), I don't think that I'm entitled to be nasty or self-righteous about my stand--which, my friends, is the way I often act. I shouldn't have attacked being "judgmental" (which isn't really a negative trait)--I should've focused on being "compassionate."
That being said, you've all made me feel a bit more comfortable in my humanness! xo to all of you!
P.S. Thank you, Kara, for the reminder that a cactus can be beautiful and compassionate! See, there I go, judging again . . . :)
P.P.S. Thanks also, Pearl, for reminding us all that cats and dogs are smarter than people! Agreed!
This one made me feel...made me judge myself just by reading it. It is hard to have compassion all the time, isn't it. I kept thinking of my post about the BIGGER PICTURE...and sometimes it is automatic to come to a conclusion that can have so many different possibilities.
Bravo Cate, your honesty is refreshing, and your compassion is genuine, even if you are judging!
Judgment isn't always a bad thing, really. It's the sort of thing that allows our ancestors (and us) to recognize a threat or good eats.
Bec,
It IS hard! I want people to feel compassion for me--I don't want to feel judged--so I feel that it's important for me to stop judging others! I loved your Bigger Picture post--often, there are so many extra variables in the mix--it isn't always about us or our opinions!
Stephanie,
I'm just cracking up over the "good eats" line. I imagine a caveman picking up a rock, then popping it into his mouth!
Recently I watched the movie "With Honors" with Joe Pecci (sp) and Braden Fraiser for my field liason group. In it Joe, a street bum says to Brandon's roomate who is a very judgemental person 'I think you hate me because I look the way you feel'. I put it in single quotes because I may have paraphrased a little. This woke me up to how I might judge people.
Thanks for sharing. Your honesty makes it hard to not look at how I judge the world sometimes!
Compassion and letting go of judgement. SO HUGE. and so very hard. I find this topic so interesting. How we judge ourselves so much. How we judge others even when we say we aren't. How we look at the little things about a person and can simply pick that person apart with a few small words. And then we end up in the cycle of judging ourselves for judging. Hmmm. I think compassion is where it all must begin. Breathe it in. Breathe it out.
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