Notes To Myself, Written At A Conference
Notes to myself, written at the Speech and Language Conference I attended over the weekend. Stubby-legged insect hand writing with curvy, spiral antennae. Wrinkled notebook pages. Coffee blot and corn bread muffin crumb memorabilia. Mood on Friday was upbeat. Saturday was tired and timeless and subdued. Pride in this field that used to be mine, longing for it, but also a sense of isolation, irritation. Here are my "notes:"
things to learn: learn to make exploded potatoes (boil in chicken broth, scallions, garlic, bacon, add ranch (how much?)?. practice spanish. wear my glasses a lot. play sims 2 and successfully run business: Angel will have a flower shop. finish "Capote" and "Letters To A Young Poet." buy paperbook copy of "Write to Right." buy poetry of e.e. cummings and julia alvarez. buy Mary McGarry Morris. Menzel. happy birthday a month early. I am lost without writing in the morning. I feel insecure, anxious, agitated, fragmented, inadequate. I don't belong here. I feel at such a word jumble, spilled out, loss of control. I feel stupid and slow and thick. I feel consumed with the need to impress. These are not my people anymore. excited about autism info. need to finish certificate from Johns Hopkins--Fall? bloated. i feel tired and gurgly and hungry and cold. my hands are cold. more coffee. bathrooms stink. do they know what I'm writing? WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY WRITING? i can't wait to hug my children. i will scan activity pages and do w/boys. M-read. J-speech. I am a piss poor mother.
things to learn: learn to make exploded potatoes (boil in chicken broth, scallions, garlic, bacon, add ranch (how much?)?. practice spanish. wear my glasses a lot. play sims 2 and successfully run business: Angel will have a flower shop. finish "Capote" and "Letters To A Young Poet." buy paperbook copy of "Write to Right." buy poetry of e.e. cummings and julia alvarez. buy Mary McGarry Morris. Menzel. happy birthday a month early. I am lost without writing in the morning. I feel insecure, anxious, agitated, fragmented, inadequate. I don't belong here. I feel at such a word jumble, spilled out, loss of control. I feel stupid and slow and thick. I feel consumed with the need to impress. These are not my people anymore. excited about autism info. need to finish certificate from Johns Hopkins--Fall? bloated. i feel tired and gurgly and hungry and cold. my hands are cold. more coffee. bathrooms stink. do they know what I'm writing? WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY WRITING? i can't wait to hug my children. i will scan activity pages and do w/boys. M-read. J-speech. I am a piss poor mother.
posted by Cate at 8:35 AM
16 Comments:
It would be fun to write what you think THEY are writing!
I bet what they were writing wasn't as interesting to read as what you were writing.
And I bet you're not a piss poor mother.
...lauging ok that last line cracked me up. Isn't that how it always is though? I just recently stomped into our home office where the hubs was and demanded he never call me a good mother again. As I was cooking dinner last night I realized our kids hadnt had veggies in 2 days because we had pizza and then the leftovers the following night...Talk about a piss poor mother!
Aw well they loved me last night when I made two different kinds to make up for it.
Loved your word jumble.
a.
oh and if I didn't make it clear, there is no way you could be a ppm!!! :) :)
a.
Hey, no one thinks you're a piss poor mother. I mean, you need to take care of yourself (including your brain, your ambitions, your career) before you can take care of others. The other way around only leaves you resentful.
I love this note to self.....I also hear you about where you stand in motherhood. It's so hard to not be hard on ourselves in that arena; God knows I am very good at throwing myself under the bus. I hope at the end of it all, that the conference was good. And if you do make the exploding potatoes, please share!
I loved this so much. I loved following your thoughts, knowing that I do the same thing. I often look like I am madly scribbling notes but in reality I am capturing the thoughts as they move through my brain too. I am thoroughly intrigued by the exploded potatoes - please share the recipe if you figure it out. (I don't think you're a piss-poor mother, but I laughed out loud at the phrase. You are an amazing writer!! xoxo
Those potatoes sound really good. You know, I have the new Sims.. but I've never had time to play it, or learn how to play any of those games. But I think I would love it.
I don't think "piss poor mothers" write notes to themselves about being piss poor mothers. They probably either don't think they are - or don't care..
Still chuckling over the whole note to self thing. I can really relate to this. Many times I have been in a meeting or seminar or some other event where a group of people are listening to a presentation. The topic quickly gets boring and your mind wanders... Did I turn off the iron? Do I even have an iron? What is there for dinner? Who do I invite to dinner? Does the presenter realize their zipper is down? It can go on and on... Anyway, you made me laugh today. Hope it turned out to be a good time in the end.
Read ya' later.
BTW, I agree that a piss poor mother would never admit it to anyone. I'm also sure your kids don't feel that you are one. And remember that your friends online don't feel that way about you. We love you and your stories. ;)
Hi Cate and thanks for your kind comments. I am sick and I need soul soup too so I came here...
You know. I live in that stupid world of literary theory and always disagree with everyone!!! It is often pretty thick.
They have forgotten about writing. Really, it is not you, it is them, most of them, except those who are also writers.
Hugs and love to you!!!!
thank you for passing by at my place...
sounds like you got lots of inspiration yet felt insecure too....
hope in the ling run this insecurtything goes away...yui ve really no reason to cos you re so talented....but that something oneself of course never believes...
They weren't writing. They were doodling. ;-)
I love this glimpse into your jumbled mind--so much richness there.
I second the desire for Exploded Potato recipe.
You know how I feel about Julia Alvarez.
I'm sure you are not a piss poor mother, but I know the feeling oh so well.
What they were writing:
Eggs
Bread
Coffee
Milk
Cow press autistic woman's name? Her writing good example for Chapter 4?
Cling wrap
Flour
Refried beans
Hot sauce
* Must enroll for Spanish refresher.
Bicarbonate of Soda
Bathroom cleaner (not the one they use here)
Finite-state computational model could facilitate the expression of non-concatenative processes such as word formation in Semitic!!!
Check web,
Shit!
Shuly Wintner's done it already.
I'm a piss-poor post-doc.
Pregnancy test kit
Motherhood's got to be easier than this.
Hooray for all of the Piss Poor Mothers out there that can't wait to hug their kids.
glad to know another mind that works like a word jumble, out of control, making potatoes explode! Woo-Hoo!
Jennifer,
That kind of creativity eluded me at the conference, but you are SO right. I'm sure that there's a short story in there somewhere!
Deb,
Dammit, you're good to me! Thank you.
Andrea,
"Piss poor mother" is a family joke because my husband, who is really a fabulous and supportive fellow, once remarked on how much our boys were eating dinner and I said, "Oh yeah, well, I forgot to feed them lunch." And he said, "Were you on the computer?" And I said, "Uh, yeah." And he said, "What a piss poor mother." And we both just cracked up. That only happened once, I swear! And they had snacks that day, so maybe the snacks could count as lunch?
BTW, I count pizza as a vegetable--the tomato sauce.
Stephanie,
Thank you for that kind encouragement! I generally feel that way, too. If the well is empty, no one drinks (what the hell--I can't escape from cliches. Or is that one a "saying?").:)
Acumamakiki,
There is a local restaurant that makes those potatoes but I can't find a recipe--google search just shows the restaurant's name and rave reviews about said potatoes. I'll figure it out and share. They are so damn good!
Megg,
Since being an "at home" mom, I have felt relatively secure in who I am. That conference soooo threw me off--I felt self-conscious, inadequate, stifled. Even my "notes" were crappy and unoriginal. I swear to God, it has taken me a flippin' week to recuperate! But thanks for the lovely comment!
Holli,
HAHA. I agree about piss poor mothers probably not writing notes to themselves about it! Oh, and The Sims 2 is a HUGE time suckage game. Really. It's so not worth the time it takes to really play it well (but I'm hooked). Don't open the box. It will be all over for you, too.
Human Z,
Your comment made ME laugh. Love the zipper down part. Unfortunately, all of my presenters were incredibly polished or brilliant women--no zippers. Maybe that's a good thing--I would have felt intense anxiety over wanting to fix it for them.
Ann Marie,
I must get over my intimidation re: intellectuals. You are absolutely write (!)--many have forgotten what it is like to be in the trenches and do the work. It is a shame, the distance that so often evolves. Hugs and love to you!
Antonia,
You and me both, sister. Everytime I think I have conquered insecurity, it slithers back in. It's insidious. I hate it. Thanks for the encouragement! It means a lot to me.
Tanya,
Y'know, I was drinking a Coke when I read your comment. I actually snorted it and it burnt the inside of my nose. Thanks a lot.
(:D)
Mardougrrl,
Thank you for the wonderful comment. I just borrowed "In the Name of Salome" from the library. Have you read that one? I just love "Yo!" and Garcia Girls!
Susan,
I read your list to my husband and I swear to God, we were just gleeful over it. I esp. liked "I'm a piss poor post-doc!" You're brilliant!
Lisa,
What a beautiful and generous comment--thank you for summing up my insecurities in such a positive way! xo
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