Thank You, Peter Brady
So, I'm back at the video store on Sunday (where apparently, the fines have now reached $97.23, and no, I am not interested in taking care of them at this time), clutching "Capote," which I have been dying to see, when a man sidles over and thrusts a "Fantastic Four" DVD at me.
I used to watch this when I was a kid, he says.
Hmmmpfff, I say, I don't remember that show.
Well, how old are you? he asks, all eager and about a quarter of an inch away from my face. I'm not kidding. This man was practically on me.
I'm in my thirties, I say, all vague and mysterious and such.
Well, I'm 43, he says triumphantly. We had the Fantastic Four cartoon when I was a kid.
We had Smurfs, I tell him.
I wander down aisle a bit, but he is right there with me, rubbing shoulders.
You see this one yet? he asks, pointing at House of Wax.
Uh, no, I say, with two neon words blazing in my mind: SERIAL KILLER.
It's pretty good, he says.
Is that so? I say back.
You see this one? he asks, pointing at Jarhead. I know a lot of Jarheads. Got to be a Jarhead to join the Marines. Met a girl the other day. Real pretty, tiny girl, about your size-(suddenly torn between the compliment and fear)-She was a marine. I just looked at her and said: WHY.
Loud guffaws and wipe of nose with sleeve.
More sidling. More inching closer. More invasion of interpersonal space. More horror movie recommendations (as well as "Hidalgo"). More spittle on my cheeks, warm breath in my ear. And I'm still flippin' trying to extract myself politely. What the hell. Mental note to start counseling immediately.
Finally, I've had enough. I run to the register. He is on my heels.
Do you have your membership card? asks Peter Brady look-a-like cashier.
I dig through purse, but of course, I can't find it. Horror movie affecianado hovers and peers into my bag.
I like your wallet, he says.
I flash a panicked look at Peter Brady. Take mental notes, I will him with my eyes. When I go missing, I want you to tell the detectives all about this fellow.
Horror Movie Guy now informs me (and Peter Brady) that I can just use my phone number to access my account.
Uh, no, that's not accurate Peter Brady says. We only take official identification here.
ThankyouPeterBrady.
I pay for my stuff and bolt for my car, where I immediately roll up the windows and lock all of the doors. Horror Movie Guy pulls out of the parking lot as I do. He's driving a cream colored Lincoln with a "Proud To Be An American" bumper sticker slapped across its rear. I wonder who's in his trunk. He waves.
That's it. I'm getting Netflix.
I used to watch this when I was a kid, he says.
Hmmmpfff, I say, I don't remember that show.
Well, how old are you? he asks, all eager and about a quarter of an inch away from my face. I'm not kidding. This man was practically on me.
I'm in my thirties, I say, all vague and mysterious and such.
Well, I'm 43, he says triumphantly. We had the Fantastic Four cartoon when I was a kid.
We had Smurfs, I tell him.
I wander down aisle a bit, but he is right there with me, rubbing shoulders.
You see this one yet? he asks, pointing at House of Wax.
Uh, no, I say, with two neon words blazing in my mind: SERIAL KILLER.
It's pretty good, he says.
Is that so? I say back.
You see this one? he asks, pointing at Jarhead. I know a lot of Jarheads. Got to be a Jarhead to join the Marines. Met a girl the other day. Real pretty, tiny girl, about your size-(suddenly torn between the compliment and fear)-She was a marine. I just looked at her and said: WHY.
Loud guffaws and wipe of nose with sleeve.
More sidling. More inching closer. More invasion of interpersonal space. More horror movie recommendations (as well as "Hidalgo"). More spittle on my cheeks, warm breath in my ear. And I'm still flippin' trying to extract myself politely. What the hell. Mental note to start counseling immediately.
Finally, I've had enough. I run to the register. He is on my heels.
Do you have your membership card? asks Peter Brady look-a-like cashier.
I dig through purse, but of course, I can't find it. Horror movie affecianado hovers and peers into my bag.
I like your wallet, he says.
I flash a panicked look at Peter Brady. Take mental notes, I will him with my eyes. When I go missing, I want you to tell the detectives all about this fellow.
Horror Movie Guy now informs me (and Peter Brady) that I can just use my phone number to access my account.
Uh, no, that's not accurate Peter Brady says. We only take official identification here.
ThankyouPeterBrady.
I pay for my stuff and bolt for my car, where I immediately roll up the windows and lock all of the doors. Horror Movie Guy pulls out of the parking lot as I do. He's driving a cream colored Lincoln with a "Proud To Be An American" bumper sticker slapped across its rear. I wonder who's in his trunk. He waves.
That's it. I'm getting Netflix.
posted by Cate at 10:29 AM
18 Comments:
Eeeeuuuwwww!!!! Creepy!!!
Yes, yes, Netflix. Yikes.
Oh my god I am dying here hysterically laughing. You are SO FUNNY!!
Ok I have to tell you my weekend story. We went to the movies yesterday and my hsuband and I always sit on each end with the kids in the middle. Well I like my "personal space" so I put our coats on the empty seat next to me. So this large older man walks down our isle and asks me to move them...there are 4 empty seats after my coat chair. I am polite though and move them. He then proceeds to plop down right next to me, pushes my arm off the chair rest all the while looking at me funny. Just when I was about to thow popcorn at my husband four chairs away to get his attention, a young man approaches the old man and says, "dad, your confused. We are sitting over here" and gently leads his senile father to the seats above us. I felt bad.
a.
Deb,
Thanks. I could hear that "euuu!"
A,
Oh, I feel so bad! That poor man. YET, I feel your discomfort and pain at having someone sit right beside you, too, esp. when there were other open spots! I wondered if my new "friend" had something mentally awry, but he was probably just harmless and lonely. Which makes me feel like a total shit. Yet, not shitty enough (hence, the post!).
Oh gosh NO! Cate...your guy was plain creepy. No buts about that.
a.
What's wrong with my "Proud to Be An American" bumper sticker? You know, my Lincoln has "real" leather seats. (INSERT SILENCE OF THE LAMBS "It rubs the lotion on its skin. It does this whenever it is told." MOVIE QUOTE HERE).
j/k. That is too freaky. I hope you have a good mental note of him in case you see his picture on the America's Most Wanted. I've sort of always wanted that to happen to me so I can say something or do something really crude. Hope your doing better after that situation.
BTW, how was Capote?
A,
I don't know. My imagination is out of control (see Hypochondria posts!).
Human Z,
HAHAHAHAHA! Love the Silence of the Lambs quote. That was exactly what I was thinking. Plenty of portly, 43 year old lunatics!
"Do or say something crude." You're such a hu-MAN-zee!
yes. creepy. I would have been nervous too. It's not okay in today's day and age to freak someone out - I don't care how nice someone is trying to be. By the way - impressive fines!! xoxo
and I LOVED your SS's post!! Your writing is so incredible.
That was "on the edge of my seat" drama....drama I tell you.
Oooohh that does sound creepy. You are so nice, you don't know how to turn people off!
If you don't get Netflix, what in the hell will it take you to start Netflix. A long drive in someones trunk!
NO! NO! NO! Do not get Netflix. They're horrible. I had them and dropped them, the manipulative b@$t@r$!
Actually, I love Netflix. Without Netflix, Ed and I would never have managed to see anything for the last four years.
And I also love Peter Brady. He was my favourite.
But this -- creepy creepy. Glad the ending was not more creepy.
What a great story. I was on the edge of my seat. Netflix is great!!!
laughing out loud. out here in tacoma, washington, cracking up and trying to be quiet about it because my husband is sleeping next to me (yes, that is right, i am so tired that i am blogging in bed...the things we do to connect with the people of blog world).
netflix sounds like the ONLY choice at this point my friend. the only choice.
Cate, the whole time I was reading this - in horro and sympathy - I was thinking "Netflix, Cate, Netflix!" Seriously, it's great, and if you want, we can be Netflix "friends" where we can see how the other rated the movies they've gotten. Ah, internet... what did we do as kids.. besides watch Smurfs?
I will be your Netflix friend too. I am sorry... but I was laughing hysterically ~ this whole experience... what an image! good call about the phone number. His sticker should have said Proud to be a Stalker. Capote was awesome. I love Phillip Seymour Hoffman.
Meg,
At this point, I'm proud of those fines. I'd like to see if I can break 100$! Thanks for the kind words!
Bec,
I'm not one bit nice. As soon as I was away from the freak, I was calling everyone I knew on my cell phone to bitch about him! And yes, we all need a little drama from time to time (:). P.S. I love how your incorporated the word "hell" into your comment!
Tanya,
On the edge of my seat here! WHY?? I've gotta email you now.
Stuntmother,
I forgot to add that he asked me where I was from and what part of the area I currently lived in. He reminded me of the guy described in "The Lovely Bones!" Thanks for your visit and comment!
Jennifer,
Thank you! Another vote for Netflix. I like the idea of being able to keep the movies (though in my case, that could turn into "indefinitely!")
Liz,
I think you're right! I visited your site a zillllllion times while you were at Artfest (knowing that you were gone but wondering if you would update from there). I am thrilled, I'm tellin' ya, to hear your stories! Glad you had fun, you ARTIST!
Laini,
My child thinks that all TVs can be paused and that all programs can be "rewound." I remember the day my parents brought home our first VCR--we rented some sci fi movie called "Yor: The Hunter From the Future" and "Risky Business" (my parents didn't censor), and I watched them both at least 10 times. I cannot even IMAGINE life without the internet!
Earth Monkey,
Oh, thank you for your comments! I screamed over "Proud to be a Stalker!" Good one! I loved Capote, too. I had no idea that Phillip Seymour Hoffman was the same guy as in Boogie Nights! Damn, he's good! And then, to hear his real voice and compare how he portrayed Capote's (which was sooooo accurate) . . . WOWWWWW!
Didn't ja know, it's the classic place to pick up flicks and chicks. You know zip.ca too?
Pearl,
Flicks and chicks! Hahahaha. I can just imagine those words flashing in Horror Movie Guy's mind!
eww, another creepy story!! I think I would have went off on him at the wallet comment!! some people have no limits!!
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