Dirty Laundry For Sale
Today, I do not feel like writing. Haven't felt like writing for the past couple of days. I feel like pursuing other art forms, sure I do, ones that I'm not invested in, like scrapbooking vintage pictures, woodworking, and home decorating. I do not want to work on anything that will make me feel like a fuck-up if it doesn't turn out right.
If you want a Froot-Loop encrusted, personal shrine today, I'm your girl.
It's all about investment and identity, for me, here. I think of myself as a writer, so if I try to write something and it doesn't come out well, I feel a little like a cockroach, scrambling for food or his purpose. If I paint a wall in the house a wrong color, I don't feel that my mistake is a statement against me as a purveyor of interior design or good taste; it was just the wrong color for that particular wall.
It's all in the mindset. Today, I'm feeling egg-shell fragile in terms of ego. Arms-locked-in-front-of-my-chest protective. Noticing the ground instead of the sky.
Inside. Not outside.
My mindset today is yard sale frenzy: decluttering, scrubbing, sorting, tagging, pitching, arranging. This morning, I want rid of all of our junky stuff--extra office supplies, a dusty expresso maker, pots, pans, sippy cups--to make room for empty space. For air. To breathe.
I've gotta do the same with my mind. I've gotta clear it--send all of the krumpers in my internal street dance down to community rec. center so that they can organize a benefit to save all of the kids' programs--to make room for new ideas to start stretching. Then tapping. And shimmying.
Dirty laundry for sale! Who'd like to buy some?!
P.S. Shameless plug #2 (a necessity, because, in the corporation known as "me," I am the PR person as well as the writer): story of mine available this week at: Thieves Jargon
I've read the other pieces over there, too--poetry, essays, fiction--it's an honor to have my work appear in such good company.
If you want a Froot-Loop encrusted, personal shrine today, I'm your girl.
It's all about investment and identity, for me, here. I think of myself as a writer, so if I try to write something and it doesn't come out well, I feel a little like a cockroach, scrambling for food or his purpose. If I paint a wall in the house a wrong color, I don't feel that my mistake is a statement against me as a purveyor of interior design or good taste; it was just the wrong color for that particular wall.
It's all in the mindset. Today, I'm feeling egg-shell fragile in terms of ego. Arms-locked-in-front-of-my-chest protective. Noticing the ground instead of the sky.
Inside. Not outside.
My mindset today is yard sale frenzy: decluttering, scrubbing, sorting, tagging, pitching, arranging. This morning, I want rid of all of our junky stuff--extra office supplies, a dusty expresso maker, pots, pans, sippy cups--to make room for empty space. For air. To breathe.
I've gotta do the same with my mind. I've gotta clear it--send all of the krumpers in my internal street dance down to community rec. center so that they can organize a benefit to save all of the kids' programs--to make room for new ideas to start stretching. Then tapping. And shimmying.
Dirty laundry for sale! Who'd like to buy some?!
P.S. Shameless plug #2 (a necessity, because, in the corporation known as "me," I am the PR person as well as the writer): story of mine available this week at: Thieves Jargon
I've read the other pieces over there, too--poetry, essays, fiction--it's an honor to have my work appear in such good company.
posted by Cate at 7:41 AM
22 Comments:
Well after your Sunday Scribbling I would think you would need months to recoup from that one. It was phenom.
Enjoy your spring cleaning and you know, I'd take a fruit loop photo frame too as long as you made it!
a.
Girl you crack me up how good you can write about not being able to write! I will go back to read the story later. I must go to work :(
I feel like Jennifer :-) I understand what it's like...the ego and writing and how some days are good and some are not. I feel that way about both writing and art. Usually if things get really bad I notice I feel mad and low and then I clean a lot...when I read the yard sale lines I laughed because that sounded like the perfect thing to do on those frazzled, crumpled, yuck days of writing and making things in general. Thank you for talking about it here...the not so pretty side of it. And thanks for writing it well :-)
Sometimes clearing all that visable clutter is exactly what your brain needs to de-clutter itself. Getting the junk out of your sightline gets an item checked off the lifelong to-do list. Good luck! And thanks for the beautiful story about your boys and their backyard. I loved the bathwater especially!
What Jennifer said - you did a bang-on job of writing about not feeling like writing!
I feel sure you already know this, but I'm going to say it anyway because sometimes it helps me when other people say these things to me - the downtime is every bit as important as the writing time to the creative process. Remember the driving analogy stories from a while back? Gotta have the rest-and-refueling stops or eventually you run out of gas and are stranded by the side of the road and then what the heck are you gonna write about??
Also, personally, I would LOVE to see a fruit-loop-encrusted personal shrine. I'm just sayin'...
.....it's all process, be thankful you have time to go on the sippy cup hunt. Make sure they are good clean kills:))) Don't worry, writers and painters don't change their spots when they change their caps.
:)
Your writing on not writing is captivating. We all have those moments and can so identify with the idea of a writer claiming she is and than not living up. I am never pleased with own self on this front. Thanks for the link, I can't wait to read it.
I HEAR YA!! All of the voices yapping away in my head need to be sent to the rec centre with yours - maybe they could all hang out and play volleyball while you and I could get back to writing. It's funny - I'm planning on doing nothing but clean my space on my next day off. It's funny how often I can relate to how you're feeling!!
I'm with you on this need to de-clutter. We've got junk day for our town coming up while we're on vacation and I've enlisted a friend to come here in exchange for babysitting co-op points and drag our crap to the curb!
I went through a really weird phase of not wanting to write on my blog at all - when I realized my whole family (which means the person who takes care of my child every day), my bosses daughter, my friends - pretty much everyone had access to what I was writing and I just felt completely censored. My mother kept telling me to quit bitching - GAH!!
Oh well - I think anything that is based on creativity will change as you go through different moods and phases. I love reading your blog!
if you buy mine I'll buy yours, I have heaps to iron!!
Super-duper triple laugh-out-loud Cate... I know the feeling. You have the knack for great marketing, this does not count for nothing to say or to write about. Just not the feeling.
I read all your great comments when I came back from the country and do we have things to talk / write about, Cate! I will come to this soul food bar for more soon...
xoxo
Ann Marie not so far
Great work, Cate! Enjoyed the piece very much. I imagine you're brimming with philosophies on the human condition. You did a fine job weaving one into a story.
I can't buy your dirty laundry, sweetie. I'm in the throes of trying to pimp my own. ;-)
Cate, you've captured exactly why I STOPPED writing in my mid-20s and started doing art instead! I had to much tied up in my identity in a writer (in my mind, anyway, as I'd barely been published) and art was just less of a stress, I had less fear of imperfection. I STILL have such fears of writing OR drawing OR painting something sucky -- even my writings for Sunday Scribblings, I spend a lot of time on them, mostly. I never want anyone to see anything I do that I don't love. Arg. I'm getting better about it, and I think blogging is really helping (plus, because of Sunday Scribblings I've written a few short short stories I'd not otherwise have written, yay!)
Hey~
Getting published...great!!
Keeping a popular blog....fun!!!!
Having a supportive husband.....PRICELESSS.)
Something tells me that even you crappy writing is good stuff.
The image in my head is coming to a garage sale where the owner is finally getting rid of that damn tea set complete with horrible ugly flowers only for it to go home with a plunkly lady who takes it on the roadshow and is estimated $500,000 for them!
I do understand the vulnerable days where the ego is to close to the shell to deal. Good luck.
Oooh, I need to have a major yard sale myself, but the whole thing overwhelms me. I don't know how to price things. I hope you're feeling less fragile!
I can relate to the "space" issues and wanting to have room to breathe. I've heard of many who, when the well of inspiration/motivation seems to run dry, or clog or whatever you want to call it, we turn to cleaning or organizing our space as a pacifier. Writing is an incredibly vulnerable pursuit and I'm convinced that our egos must often feel a bit like those celebrity girls that party and starve themselves to exhaustion. It takes a lot of emotional energy to put parts of ourselves out there for public consumption. Let your writing self have the "spa" days it needs engaging in other artistic pursuits to refresh and then enjoy the fountain of inspiration/motivation when it returns rejeuvenated and ready to go!
Thanks for sharing your struggles so honestly - it's a great encouragement to me!
Yep, bad karma wave swept the earth. Felt sort of prickly for a second then just looks one feeling creatively sapped. From the excellence of today's writing, looks like you were only nicked.
Oh, Cate. Just...oh. As always, you are all of the best parts and colors in my own head. Because, damn, I am feeling the same way girl.
Love the honesty here...YES, it's easier to lose ourselves in something that isn't "us"...sometimes it's so hard to respond because it has to be "right" response.
But you are, ARE, ARE always a writer and this entry, as usual, proves that.
Thank you for all of these kind, encouraging comments. I cannot even convey how grateful I am to know you guys and to enjoy this creative, supportive community! xo's all around! And beer and cheesecake, too!
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