My Revised Stance on Rejection
During my latest blog rounds (the zillionth time today), I come across this little gem, which I've heard again and again. I think I've even said this myself on several occasions, but now the words enrage me:
Don't take rejection personally. It's not about you. It's about the work.
What a load of fucking bullshit.
Can you tell that I'm feeling a bit testy today?
Sure, technically, rejection is not about YOU, but if you have poured immeasureable hours into the work, reached into the depths of who you are to come up with real characters, genuine emotions, and the right sentences, it sure the hell feels like it's about you.
YES, technically, it's not, but if FEELS like it is.
I'm sick of sugar-coating rejection. It fucking hurts. It scrapes you raw. Not always, but often. It doesn't mean you're gonna stop writing. It doesn't even mean that you'll consider it. It doesn't mean that you don't understand what the writing/art world is all about. But it hurts. And sometimes, you've just gotta whine about it. Doesn't mean you want anyone to offer advice. Doesn't mean you want anyone to tell you to find a different field. You just want someone to say, "I hear you, and I agree--it sucks."
Don't take it personally.
Pheehhhh.
What a load of horseshit.
Don't take rejection personally. It's not about you. It's about the work.
What a load of fucking bullshit.
Can you tell that I'm feeling a bit testy today?
Sure, technically, rejection is not about YOU, but if you have poured immeasureable hours into the work, reached into the depths of who you are to come up with real characters, genuine emotions, and the right sentences, it sure the hell feels like it's about you.
YES, technically, it's not, but if FEELS like it is.
I'm sick of sugar-coating rejection. It fucking hurts. It scrapes you raw. Not always, but often. It doesn't mean you're gonna stop writing. It doesn't even mean that you'll consider it. It doesn't mean that you don't understand what the writing/art world is all about. But it hurts. And sometimes, you've just gotta whine about it. Doesn't mean you want anyone to offer advice. Doesn't mean you want anyone to tell you to find a different field. You just want someone to say, "I hear you, and I agree--it sucks."
Don't take it personally.
Pheehhhh.
What a load of horseshit.
posted by Cate at 1:04 PM
26 Comments:
Wheee!!!:)
Yup.
I hear you, and I agree--it sucks. :P
Seriously, though. I agree with you completely. How can rejection not feel like it is about you unless you did not do the work and plagerised it. Whether you write a story, poem, lyric, draw, paint, or sketch a picture, when someone does not like it for any reason and voices it to you, that sucks. Like you said, it stings.
There have been many things that I have drawn where people did not like it. Did it hurt? You betcha. Did I stop drawing? Not a chance.
I hear you . . . It sucks!
After all, your writing IS you. How can it NOT feel personal.
Lol, you go girl! You are brave though to put it out there. That is what I think it is all about. You take a chance, you lay your heart on the line...
a.
You're damn right how can you not take it personal - what a crock of shit.
Bet you feel better now.
have a nice weekend.
F.Scott Fitzferald wall-papered his bathroom with rejection slips. If it helps, hang it in the bathroom!
That would be Fitzgerald, of course. Fitzferald was somebody else, and I have no idea who. Or what HE does with HIS rejection slips....
Well said, Cate. I agree. (And Fitzferald probably flushes his slips. Sometimes taht's what I want to do with them.)
I'm with you Cate. It's perfectly fine to feel rejected, to lick your wounds and think it sucks. Thank you for calling it like it is, sister!
You sure found all the right words in this post! Yes, it's rotten, rotten, rotten, and I so admire the tenacity of so many writers who keep submitting as you do. I'm glad you're telling it like it is, because it's hard enough to take the rejection without then having to pretend it didn't matter, or didn't hurt. It does matter, and yes, it hurts. And there are editors out there who obviously don't know their arses from their elbows!
I have to admit that I've never submitted anything because I'm scared to death of the rejection. I'm glad to hear that you're really pissed off, it's probably the healthiest reaction to rejection. And really, I don't even think it's about the work, I think it's about the marketing and the dollars. It's a tough business. I hope you remember how good you are - I love your writing.
As someone who's had more than her share of it, I agree: it sucks.
But most of the time it's not about you OR about your work. It's about editors who are so inundated and overwhelmed that they turn to familiar names or gimicky themes. One of my stories was rejected more than fifty times before it was taken my a great lit mag and nominated for a Pushcart Prize.
Yeah, the rejections stung, but I knew the story was good; and every time I turned it around and sent it out, I got a little more determined.
You know, I really think you need to learn to express your true feelings. It would be nice, I think. ;) LOL!
:)
Yep. Rejection sucks rocks. Big, hard, nasty, slimy, moss-and-slug-covered boulders.
Woo Who. I love a writer who can write the word bull shit with flare. Personal or not, when it comes out of you, its your kid in the world.
Here's to continuing even when it sucks sometimes.
Yeah! Totally! Rejection is rejection and those who cant face it head on, esp when its not THEIR rejection, should keep it to themselves.
Well, "its' not about you, it's about the work" IS an odd bit of consolation. I don't want to judge the person that said it - sounds like they were trying to be nice. But it's not very comforting. I can't say I've never made an attempt at comforting someone that fell flat, though.
I would disagree, actually, with that statement - it's not about the work, necessarily. I would say "It's not about you, it's about the editor."
My favorite form rejection letter went something like this: "Thanks for your submission, but we prefer the work of other poets at this time." Ouch!
I tend to believe that like others have said, often the rejection has nothing to do with your work, but everything to do with the state of mind of the person reviewing it. I read today that John Grisham received 30 rejections for "A Time to Kill" before it was finally accepted. The hard part is making sure the rejections add to your resolve and don't kill it.
Ldahl,
I love a "WHEEE!" You can shout that in my ear anytime you want! xo
Lou,
So important not to stop. I always feel embarrassed when I admit that rejection bothers me--the response is often like "toughen up" or "stop writing." I'm sick of that. I'm tired of feeling ashamed that I don't like rejection or that it stings. Thanks for your comment!
Ell,
"After all, your writing is you."
I agree completely! It is my view of the world, my orchestration of overtures, my passions, my time, my effort . . . I could go on. It's not that I think it shouldn't happen--rejection is part of every aspect of life--but I don't need anybody telling me that it isn't about me. You reject me and I feel awful--how could that not be about me in some way!? Hope you're doing well, Ell! xo
Andrea,
Oh, you just humble me with your kind words, your support. I'm so glad we're friends! Thank you.
RDL,
Damn right I feel better (esp. after reading your supportive comment!). Hope you're having a nice weekend, too!
Pepektheassassin,
I'm not quite at bathroom level, yet--a half bath's worth? Thanks for your visit and making me laugh (though I still would like to know what Fitzferald does with his rejections!).
Tarakuanyin,
Oh, thank you, thank you! Great idea about Fitzferald. Maybe I'll start flushing my own! xo
Kiki,
Oh, I love this: "lick your wounds." So true. That's what it feels like to me. Only takes a couple of days to get over it, that loss of hope, but then, I'm fine. Thank you for that great line! xo
Imelda,
Thank you for that lovely comment! I've gotta pull out my Julia Cameron books again because she is like you--encourages you to stay on the page no matter what! I appreciate your supportive words! xo
Deirdre,
Thank you! Yes, I agree that marketing and dollars play a huge role--a business just like any other! And, although I wish that you would submit your beautiful words so that even more people could read them, I'm grateful that you are willing to publish them on your blog! I love your writing, too (but you know that :).
Patry,
THAT'S the kind of response to rejection that I like to hear. Stories about believing in one's self, in one's own writing, tenacity. And I like your words, too, about rejection having nothing to do with the writer OR the work, that there could be so many other factors involved that writers aren't aware of--busy editors, politics, etc. Thank you for your thoughts--so helpful to me as I think through this issue!
Amber,
You crack me up. It's been a while since I dropped the word "fuck" out into the blogosphere. I thought it was time . . . :)
Deb,
Some gorgeous, textured writing there. Yep, that about describes it!
Gogo,
Loved your comment. Love it about being "your kid out in the world." That's often the way I feel. I'm so proud of the writing, and again and again and flippin' again, it's sent back. It's hard to pull a happy feeling out of the hat over that.
Yes, here's to continuing on, even when it sucks! xo
Cheryl,
Right on, sister! Tell it! xo
Twitches,
I wasn't judging the person that said it. I was judging what they said (sort of complement their own theory, anyway, about rejection having to do with output, itself, not the origins of said output).
And I'm not speaking for other writers. I'm speaking for me. Let's be honest: I don't give a damn if people like ME, but I sure as hell care whether or not an editor, a gatekeeper of sorts, likes my writing, or I wouldn't be submitting it to them in the first place.
I like what you and Patry said about editors, and I appreciated your shitty rejection quote. My own personal favorite came from a magazine that gave me it's acceptance statistics . . . "We only accept a quarter of a perecent of submissions." I wanted to fire off my own acceptance rate (which was much better then than it is currently) in response.
Thanks for your comment.
Kim,
Ralph Keyes has a great book out there, "The Writer's Book of Hope," that tells many, many anecdotes re: famous writers and their rejections. Your comment prompts me to pull that book out because it really is comforting--reminds one that there can be so many other circumstances involving a rejection that have nothing to do with a writer OR the work.
Keyes has another great writing book avaiable, too: "The Courage to Write." Again, more great stories about famous writers who are afraid that the well will run dry, family members will disown them, that initial successes won't be sustained, etc. It's a powerful book!
Thanks for your thoughts! xo
I love how ferocious you are this week Cate! You've got fire and guts and when it comes to the written words you CARE, CARE, CARE!!! My kind of woman :-)
I totally understand. And even if it is technically not personally, practically and liek you say it feels like that and you as a person have to deal with it....
rejection just is too bad.
I like when you first send out submissions--the joy of completion, the feeling of having your poems working for you. It really is the best time because while they're out because there's still the possibility of acceptance.
But then there's the rejection letter, which feels all too personal. I keep mine as sort as a way of appreciating the acceptances.
No way around it, tho. Rejections SUCK.
BB,
Oh, you just know how much your comment means to me . . . because I emailed you! Thank you again!
Tara,
HOW DID YOU KNOW? How did you know that that is how I console myself, that whole "They're too stupid to get me!" So . . . um . . . that means that you do it, too? If so, I'm in great company! xo
Antonia,
Thank you! I've missed you, been negigent in my blog rounds but definitely missed your powerful writing! Thank you for your kind words--I so appreciate them!
January,
Said so well. I love those initial feelings of hope. Sent out a bunch of stuff today and I'm enjoying the ride of "possibility." Next month, I'll be posting about the agony of defeat again. What a roller coaster! Like Ldahl says, WHEEEEEEE!
I think it's amazing that you are brave enough to submit your work. You are a great writer, without doubt. I would never have the guts to put myself out there like you do. I admire you.
Michelle,
Thank you. Coming from you, the gutsiest girl I know (and I'm not kidding), that comment means a lot! xo
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