BFS

Oh, the power of three little letters.

BFS or Benign Fasciculation Syndrome.

Years ago, all BFS would have meant to me was "bull fucking shit." Now, it's the greatest alternative to serious diseases, and tells me that my twitching is for no apparent reason and harmless.

Hallelujah.

Thanks for all of the supportive comments. My pockets are bursting with them and I'm just touched, really I am.

Recap: Thank God I shaved my legs. I had to wear a little paper gown and lay on a table. My neurologist came in with this mustard and brown colored machine (looking like it was manufactured in 1954); he began arranging a number of thick and thin colorful wires and a small metal disc under my legs. I peered at him and he mumbled, "Must figure out which one is the Grounding Wire." GROUNDING WIRE? WTF? FIGURE OUT? I squeezed my eyes shut, dug my fingernails into my palms (must create own pain to focus on so that I remain in control), and it began.

Tuning fork thing to knee. Pop. Tuning fork thing to ankle. Pop. Tuning fork thing to thigh. Pop. Etc. It was the most harmless experience I've ever had. A trip to the dentist is worse. The gynecologist is worse. Eyebrow waxing, I must insist, is worse. It didn't even feel like a shock or a funny bone wound. It felt like it does when the doctor checks your reflexes with the hammer. Just a a litle jump and a pop.

So, I got cocky. I thought: either this is really easy or I am one tough broad. My neurologist then said, "Okay, that's it. Now time for phase two." He held up two fingers. "I'll be back with the needle."

I sat up. "I didn't prepare myself for needles."

He said, "Phase two. Just a little needle. Nothing to it," and disappeared.

I lay there waiting on that paper covered table, the paper making a crinkling sound from my flippin' shaking, and considered the irony of this; that yes, indeed, I was about to have an EMG, just like I described in the blog earlier. Just like Lou and I joked about. Ten minutes later, my neurologist comes back in, holding a little packet with a needle. "Just a little needle. Only hurts for a second."

So, we do the EMG and it actually doesn't hurt either. Like little mosquito bites all over the body.

DIAGNOSIS: No signs of MS or ALS. No signs of pinched nerve. Mild carpal tunnel in the right hand ("no surgery--just means your a hard worker"). Benign Fasciculation Syndrome.

We then spent five minutes discussing the Bush Administration's decision to relinquish Port managment to a UAE company. My neurologist thought that this was very funny, and I kept shaking my head, wondering how I could have missed this.

I took myself to lunch at Chili's, and later, had my eyebrows waxed.

I can definitively say that the eyebrow waxing was the most unpleasant part of my day.