First Impressions

I do not present well.

I have just returned home from a validation meeting at my child's school. The preschool program is being reviewed by the county (and eventually, the state) and there must be a parent representative on the team. I was selected as the parent representative. Despite that honor, I did not present well.

I am a blurter. I am a wearer of wrinkled skirts and heavy eye liner. I am cognizant of those things and defiant in them. I am a fidgeter. I use the word "real" as an adjective, as in "real good job." When I reach into my purse, change, receipts, lipstick, and books tumble out.

I do not present well.

I walk into rooms and trip on carpets. I shock myself on light switches. I speak quickly and I inadvertently and regulary dribble coffee down my chin.

I'm sure that I don't need to convince you: I do not present well.

On the other hand, if given time (as in a couple of weeks), people will generally warm to me. They will be surprised to realize that I am not dumb. They will be surprised to learn that beyond the nervous hand wringing and dysfluent jokes, I have a decent sense of humor. That I am genuine in compliments and a hard worker.

This is my struggle in new jobs and social situations.

I did well at the meeting today. I offered opinions that were well taken. I managed to navigate into a chair in the conference room without bruising my own knee (or anyone else's). I even opened a can of soda without having it explode tiny, fizzy pellets all over the table. No one noticed my ungroomed eyebrows (screaming for a wax) or the smell of my husband's deodorant (I ran out of mine).

Underneath, though, I still had that nagging self-doubt.

I just don't present well.

This is my problem. It is something that I need to come to terms with. It is something that I need to accept and embrace, feeling strong enough in who I am underneath the scuffed shoes and a holey stockings. Maybe it is a mechanism that serves to weed out all of the surface folks, the ones looking to latch onto the prettiest friend or the most astute co-worker.

I simply don't present well and probably never will. Maybe that is a good thing.

"Few have strength of reason to overrule the perceptions of sense, and yet fewer have curiosity or benevolence to struggle long against the first impression: he who therefore fails to please in his salutation and address is at once rejected, and never obtains an opportunity of showing his latest excellences or essential qualities." Johnson: Rambler #166 (October 19, 1751)