Getting Rid of My Dirty Laundry
I'm at a funny place right, now, an edge of the crowd kind of place. I keep sliding my flip flopped foot into a forest of unfamiliar legs, trying to establish a toehold, but I'm feeling edged out, struggling, fumbling . . . and a bit mad.
I have been married to a lovely fellow for 12 years. Season to season, the temperature of our relationship warms and cools, but overall, we have created a climate of family. We are real and passionate and flawed. We do our best, and when we make mistakes, we acknowledge them, apologize, and generally, attempt to change our ways. There are lessons in everything, even the painful circumstances. We have lived about five hours away from our extended families since the genesis of our relationship, though we are both from the same town, our parents living only about twenty miles from one another. Not an insurmountable distance in this day and age, I feel. Not an insurmountable distance with cell phones and the internet. Herein lies the breakdown--
One of my in-laws is a blogger who paints her life with pastel hued, satin color. She writes posts which allude to the lovely attention that her mother, my children's grandmother, gives her and her family, and this is where my heart starts to ache: the disparity between the way my children (2 boys) are treated and the way the other grandchildren (2 girls) are treated is like the difference between a Yugo and a Mercedes.
The other grandchildren have been invited to grandma's house for sleepovers. My children were self-invited (via my husband and myself) to grandma's house for the FIRST TIME EVER last Summer (and they have yet to be invited back). The other grandchildren are apparently the recipients of continuous quality time. I would say that without a doubt, my mother-in-law doesn't even know the ages of my children, their favorite toys, the foods that make them gag, the sports that make their hearts race, etc.
Right now, my boys are four and five--they see this woman's picture, and while my eldest son recognizes her, the little one squints and says, "A lady?" They do not know this woman because she is simply a once a year visit (if that), in which she stands at the edge of the yard, watching the children swing and musing, "This is the life. This is what life is all about . . . my grandchildren. It doesn't get any better than this."
Hmmpfff.
Mac, in the vein of curious children trying to create a mental spreadsheet of relationships, asks about who my parents are, who his dad's parents are, and once established, he provides ongoing commentary:
"Your mom and dad are coming to see us next week, Mom," he sing songs before a visit.
"Your dad gave you a kiss," he delights after my dad embraces me in greeting.
"Why doesn't your mom come to see you, dad?" he questions, "Is she sick, or is her car broke?'
I shouldn't be surprised. For the first seven years of my marriage, I was able to tell surprised friends that my parents had never met my mother-in-law; she did not express any interest in ever meeting them. I was able to tell people that when I expressed upset that my mother-in-law never acknowledged our marriage with so much as a card, she thrust a check into my husband's hand, called him "money hungry," and snapped that she had had to second mortgage her home to give us that gift. I was able to tell people that, because of an argument between my husband and his mother (from which they had apparently "made up"), he was blacklisted from her wedding. I was able to tell people that she has NEVER invited us to a family event, not a catered birthday celebration, not a barbecue, not even for dinner. If we call and say that we will be in the area, doors are apparently open, but the sentiment is as casual as if we were a crew of Fuller Brush salesmen and the carpets needed sweeping. My mother-in-law calls about four times a year, and I guess we should be grateful for that. She says she's been busy. She references crisises and slumps, but point blank refuses to provide details, leaving my husband to have to research with other family members to find out whether or not she is sick (seems like everyone was told what was going on except us). I wonder how often she calls her other grandchildren? From the way it's described at the other blog, grandma doesn't even need to call. She's too busy spending REAL TIME with them. A pillar of love and support and encouragement, that one is.
But let me make this clear: what makes me angry is not entirely the lack of effort. It's the hypocritical stance ("family is my everything," she gushes). It's the excuses ("I couldn't get in touch because I've been working twenty hour workdays."). But more than anything, it's the differentiation of treatment.
I am tired of going through the motions and pretending. We have tried to do our part, but one sided phone calls, one sided invitations, and one sided interest have grown very old. My husband has discussed our feelings with his mother--
If you aren't interested, don't call or don't visit, but don't keep telling everyone how your family is everything. Don't make excuses that obviously don't apply to other facets of your life, he says.
The phone works both ways, she retorts, all puffed up with a lion's mane worth of indignation.
Yeah, but I don't have two grandsons living with you, he finishes, I would think that you would want to call and find out how they are doing. I guess I'm wrong . . .
How do you make someone care? I am ready to acknowledge the situation for what it is, which means that I'm not going to continue to pretend that her reality is fact. To be a good grandmother, at the very minimum, you must show interest. You must care about all of your grandchildren in some way, not just a select few. Grandchildren are not assorted chocolates; you do not get to select favorites by preference. I spend a lot of time saying that I am a writer, but the simple truth is, to be a writer, you must write. To get credits on your resume, you must accomplish something. To keep most jobs, you have to show up. To be a good grandmother, you must, in some fashion, mother. It's not about the number of photographs on your office desk or the way you muse that "grandchildren are what it's all about."
I had one grandmother that lived 2 hours away and another that lived in Ireland, and I felt that I was of equal value to each. Ireland Granny wrote me weekly letters and States Granny came to visit at least twice a month. I am sad that my boys have been shortchanged, but I am grateful that will be learning this lesson early--that there is more to life than rich bullshit--that action counts for a lot. My boys have my mother, a beautiful sock-knitting granny who telephones them daily and clamors for opportunities to drive down to our house to visit or to have them at her house for a few weeks in the summer. They have many "aunts" in the form of my girlfriends, who know enough about my boys that they actually have favorite anecdotes ("Cap'n Baby" and "Pirate Mac"). "Cousins" come to stay and evenings are filled, watching The Muppet Show and eating ice cream. They even have a surrogate grandmother from their school--she sponsors them for Jump Rope for Heart and applauds at their award ceremonies and invites them to her house almost daily in the summer to spend time in her pool.
This is about hurt feelings. This is about being treated like a "non-entity." This is about feeling somewhat "not good enough" and "unworthy." It's about wondering why our wonderful little guys don't count, can be as easily disregarded as colorful wrapping paper after a birthday party.
There are people in the world who don't have much to offer, but they are, at least, honest about that, and hopefully, fair. I have great respect for people who admit, "It's my turn, now. I don't owe you anything," but I have a hard time abiding by different treatment for different people. especially children. It's one thing to say, "That's just who she is" but it's another to say, "That's just who she is with our boys."
My dirty laundry already feels fresh and cleaner. A multitude of blessings and the fragility of life, indeed.
With father's day tomorrow, we remember how important family (whether biological or created from scratch) truly is, and we take action--today, tomorrow, every day--to make sure that the ones that we love feel valued. That is what I wish for you, as well as for my own family.
I have been married to a lovely fellow for 12 years. Season to season, the temperature of our relationship warms and cools, but overall, we have created a climate of family. We are real and passionate and flawed. We do our best, and when we make mistakes, we acknowledge them, apologize, and generally, attempt to change our ways. There are lessons in everything, even the painful circumstances. We have lived about five hours away from our extended families since the genesis of our relationship, though we are both from the same town, our parents living only about twenty miles from one another. Not an insurmountable distance in this day and age, I feel. Not an insurmountable distance with cell phones and the internet. Herein lies the breakdown--
One of my in-laws is a blogger who paints her life with pastel hued, satin color. She writes posts which allude to the lovely attention that her mother, my children's grandmother, gives her and her family, and this is where my heart starts to ache: the disparity between the way my children (2 boys) are treated and the way the other grandchildren (2 girls) are treated is like the difference between a Yugo and a Mercedes.
The other grandchildren have been invited to grandma's house for sleepovers. My children were self-invited (via my husband and myself) to grandma's house for the FIRST TIME EVER last Summer (and they have yet to be invited back). The other grandchildren are apparently the recipients of continuous quality time. I would say that without a doubt, my mother-in-law doesn't even know the ages of my children, their favorite toys, the foods that make them gag, the sports that make their hearts race, etc.
Right now, my boys are four and five--they see this woman's picture, and while my eldest son recognizes her, the little one squints and says, "A lady?" They do not know this woman because she is simply a once a year visit (if that), in which she stands at the edge of the yard, watching the children swing and musing, "This is the life. This is what life is all about . . . my grandchildren. It doesn't get any better than this."
Hmmpfff.
Mac, in the vein of curious children trying to create a mental spreadsheet of relationships, asks about who my parents are, who his dad's parents are, and once established, he provides ongoing commentary:
"Your mom and dad are coming to see us next week, Mom," he sing songs before a visit.
"Your dad gave you a kiss," he delights after my dad embraces me in greeting.
"Why doesn't your mom come to see you, dad?" he questions, "Is she sick, or is her car broke?'
I shouldn't be surprised. For the first seven years of my marriage, I was able to tell surprised friends that my parents had never met my mother-in-law; she did not express any interest in ever meeting them. I was able to tell people that when I expressed upset that my mother-in-law never acknowledged our marriage with so much as a card, she thrust a check into my husband's hand, called him "money hungry," and snapped that she had had to second mortgage her home to give us that gift. I was able to tell people that, because of an argument between my husband and his mother (from which they had apparently "made up"), he was blacklisted from her wedding. I was able to tell people that she has NEVER invited us to a family event, not a catered birthday celebration, not a barbecue, not even for dinner. If we call and say that we will be in the area, doors are apparently open, but the sentiment is as casual as if we were a crew of Fuller Brush salesmen and the carpets needed sweeping. My mother-in-law calls about four times a year, and I guess we should be grateful for that. She says she's been busy. She references crisises and slumps, but point blank refuses to provide details, leaving my husband to have to research with other family members to find out whether or not she is sick (seems like everyone was told what was going on except us). I wonder how often she calls her other grandchildren? From the way it's described at the other blog, grandma doesn't even need to call. She's too busy spending REAL TIME with them. A pillar of love and support and encouragement, that one is.
But let me make this clear: what makes me angry is not entirely the lack of effort. It's the hypocritical stance ("family is my everything," she gushes). It's the excuses ("I couldn't get in touch because I've been working twenty hour workdays."). But more than anything, it's the differentiation of treatment.
I am tired of going through the motions and pretending. We have tried to do our part, but one sided phone calls, one sided invitations, and one sided interest have grown very old. My husband has discussed our feelings with his mother--
If you aren't interested, don't call or don't visit, but don't keep telling everyone how your family is everything. Don't make excuses that obviously don't apply to other facets of your life, he says.
The phone works both ways, she retorts, all puffed up with a lion's mane worth of indignation.
Yeah, but I don't have two grandsons living with you, he finishes, I would think that you would want to call and find out how they are doing. I guess I'm wrong . . .
How do you make someone care? I am ready to acknowledge the situation for what it is, which means that I'm not going to continue to pretend that her reality is fact. To be a good grandmother, at the very minimum, you must show interest. You must care about all of your grandchildren in some way, not just a select few. Grandchildren are not assorted chocolates; you do not get to select favorites by preference. I spend a lot of time saying that I am a writer, but the simple truth is, to be a writer, you must write. To get credits on your resume, you must accomplish something. To keep most jobs, you have to show up. To be a good grandmother, you must, in some fashion, mother. It's not about the number of photographs on your office desk or the way you muse that "grandchildren are what it's all about."
I had one grandmother that lived 2 hours away and another that lived in Ireland, and I felt that I was of equal value to each. Ireland Granny wrote me weekly letters and States Granny came to visit at least twice a month. I am sad that my boys have been shortchanged, but I am grateful that will be learning this lesson early--that there is more to life than rich bullshit--that action counts for a lot. My boys have my mother, a beautiful sock-knitting granny who telephones them daily and clamors for opportunities to drive down to our house to visit or to have them at her house for a few weeks in the summer. They have many "aunts" in the form of my girlfriends, who know enough about my boys that they actually have favorite anecdotes ("Cap'n Baby" and "Pirate Mac"). "Cousins" come to stay and evenings are filled, watching The Muppet Show and eating ice cream. They even have a surrogate grandmother from their school--she sponsors them for Jump Rope for Heart and applauds at their award ceremonies and invites them to her house almost daily in the summer to spend time in her pool.
This is about hurt feelings. This is about being treated like a "non-entity." This is about feeling somewhat "not good enough" and "unworthy." It's about wondering why our wonderful little guys don't count, can be as easily disregarded as colorful wrapping paper after a birthday party.
There are people in the world who don't have much to offer, but they are, at least, honest about that, and hopefully, fair. I have great respect for people who admit, "It's my turn, now. I don't owe you anything," but I have a hard time abiding by different treatment for different people. especially children. It's one thing to say, "That's just who she is" but it's another to say, "That's just who she is with our boys."
My dirty laundry already feels fresh and cleaner. A multitude of blessings and the fragility of life, indeed.
With father's day tomorrow, we remember how important family (whether biological or created from scratch) truly is, and we take action--today, tomorrow, every day--to make sure that the ones that we love feel valued. That is what I wish for you, as well as for my own family.
posted by Cate at 8:56 AM
13 Comments:
Aww, Cate. I love your healthy attitude about hre. I think you are SO right when you say, itis one thing to say thatis just who she is, and itis another to say she is onlylike that with your kids. It is just not okay. And I feel so sad for your husband! I know he has you and your family to make up for it-- and that is a lot! But...it is still hi smom. She should CARE about him! I know, because I really, really KNOW.
In our house it is my family that acts like this. My dad lives in the same town as Kory's parents, but he makes zero effort to be in my kids life. He demands a lot, but never shows up himself. And you get to a point where it pisses you off WAY more that someone would be hurtful to your kids. I can take it, but don't hurt my kids!
She is the unlucky one. In the end, she will mean nothing to your kids. But, they will not miss her-- just as they don't now. They have so much in the love of other people. I don't blame you guys for being mad. But who needs a woman like that, mom or granny? Some people just have issues!
OX :)
Hey~
Oh..the hypocrisy of your in-laws!!! I am outraged for your family.
Please believe that the in-laws are the ones who have missed the boat.
At the end of the day there is only family...and I wonder how she will come to terms with her choices??
Cate,
Your post was so articulate and honest. It's a difficult combination when it comes to emotional topics. How perfectly you described the pain you feel for your children when you realize that they will never have what you had - the attention and love from BOTH sets of Grandparents. You are completely justified to feel angry about the situation. Your mother-in-law is definitely missing out to say the least. What a great disservice, not only to your beautiful boys, but to herself. If she is so committed to portraying herself as the perfect Grandmother, the reality will catch up with her, and it will become evident that her life is a lie.
Know that your gorgeous guys have nothing to do with her choices and take comfort in that fact that they will have more time and energy to available to devote those the people in their life that really care about them if she is no longer a figure in your family.
All my love to you and your family.
I just don't understand people like that. How can she not want to truly know her grandsons? I totally don't get it.
This makes me so sad for your boys but the saddest of all is your MIL who is the one that loses. And the fact that she makes excuses and is a phony in all other aspects is a testimony to a person that lives in denial and it's something that no one can change, unless it's her. My mom did this to my sister's children except she did it after years of being present, just decided one day that she was done and completely cut off. It was her MO and it continued into the next generation.
I think you and your husband are healthy and have a good perspective on this - as sad as it is. As a parent now, it's all the more painful to realize how crap someone whose been crap all their parenting life is, especially when you as a parent know how little it takes to make someone small happy.
Yet the beauty of all this is how wonderful your man is - that you're able to have a healthy, loving and passionate relationship despite his mom and that your boys know a grandparent's love without your MIL.
I truly believe that sometimes family members are in our lives to show us how not to be, how not to live a life...this is what I took from my mom as sad as it is.
Dear Cate, I can totally relate. My sons were in a similar situation. They were the also-rans, the forgotten, except a-phone-call-on-their-birthday grandchildren. It was painful to hear my chatty and enthusiastic 5 year-old trail behind grandpa asking questions, only to be ignored. I spent many years trying to encourage a relationship: planning family dinners and get-togethers. There was always an excuse. I finally gave up.
Luckily, in latter years, my sister took it upon herself to invite us to her home at the same time as the boys' grandparents, and although the relationship wasn't close, at least they knew what they looked like. It was better than nothing.
The boys are now grown and have no negative feelings about them, but no positive ones either.
Cate, you can only do what you can do. Your MIL has become who and how she is for her own reasons. No amount of cajoling, arguing, reasoning will change her unless she wants to change. As long as your kids feel loved and cherished from you and 'your' side, they'll be okay.
I have been away from your blog for way, way, way, WAY too long Cate. As pissed off for you as this post made me feel, I was more puzzled than anything why a grandmother and mother would be so totally disengaged. Very sad. DON't make it all about you guys. This is clearly about some inner dynamic in her that got its wheels going long before you ever came into the picture. Truly it is her loss and I hope you four had a wonderful Father's Day together and that in the town you are in now you are able to create a real sense of community, chosen community from those that you really respect and enjoy and who are able to appreciate what you and your husband have to offer.
That is an awful situation to be in, it's not right that she treats your special boys this way and then goes onto say how important all her grandkids are when she's not giving out the love equally. I have no doubt your boys feel the love that they have from all the people that show it to them. It must be very frustrating - but you are right - you simply cannot make another person care, they will always be able to make up what appears in there mind to be a perfectly good reason why they don't see them. My children have the same thing with there paternal grandfather - he doesn't see them on birthday -not even a card this year let alone a gift, I think the children see him about twice a year - there is not even the excuse that he doesn't want to see me as there dad has them regularly at his house. Grrr!
I've said it before, and I'm going to say it again: your comments, each and every one of them, have meant so much to me, ESPECIALLY regarding this post. It was hard to write, but the results--that inner peace of having wrestled with circumstance and pinned it to paper--have been surprisingly freeing. To know that other people understand . . . well, that comforts me more than you will ever know! Your words have buoyed me--thank you for taking the time to let me know your thoughts, and for those in a similar situation, my thoughts and prayers are "right back at you." I love what Kiki said about crappy relatives being there to teach how not to live our lives. I cling to that line! xo's! C
Oh my lovely Cate. Your words are like precious pearls. Your honestly is so refreshing.
You are in fact, NOT ALONE. I was recently folding laundry (my number one nemisis) and my in law called and reminded me that I was lucky I did not have the chore load of my sister in law...who has 2 grown children unlike my four little ones. For you see, "their clothes are bigger and thus more work!"...
:)
I miss you. I really, really do. Thank you for the letter. I will write/email soon.
Your friend forever,
a.
P.S
You must write about "cap'n Baby and Pirate Mac"...I can just imagine the sweetness.
a.
I cannot be one to talk, after years of making the trips long distances to visit family I have decided to opt out of them for the time being. And I requested to not go to Thanksgiving dinners at the step fam anymore.
Tears poured down my face as I read your post.My heart aches for you. My children have been treated as outcasts by both sides of the family for most of their lives, although my husband and I were supposedly the "good people" to our parents and siblings, until we asserted ourselves as adults...
When "love" was jerked away, I and my kids felt unworthy, unloved, and no amount of caring from others will ever erase that feeling of insecurity and rejection. (My husband never felt loved by his side of the family.)We're strong, but there's no denying the gaping and festering hole that eats away inside of us. We all have to work at surmounting it.
We live in a transient area so the surrogate friends have passed in and out of our lives making life much less stable for us and our kids in terms of unconditional love. It is a continual process to foster friendships and reach out since people here move away so often.
So many times, we're the family where it's only my husband and me at important times in our kids' lives, plus we each miss the huge extended family celebrations we had growing up. Our (newer) friends assume we're still in touch with some family but the truth is it's often just us at Thanksgiving, etc, but we can't invite ourselves. We've hosted some events and will try again, though.
I'm hearbroken reading about another family who survives this pain- it's devastating to oneself, but so much moreso to feel helpless in light of our own precious children, humans as loveable and dear as anyone.
Yet, I'm relieved your young ones have other very special people in their lives and the steadfast love of your parents! Others here have addressed the "whys" here eloquently. This is one life challenge I wouldn't wish on anyone else. (I even wrote a poem "Dirty Laundry" over a year ago...)You, your husband, and dear children ARE valued. Those who don't recognize nor cherish that, are the ones who are missing the joy of knowing and loving you.
(I will email you for your new site.)If you click on my link it's on my site. Thanks
Post a Comment
<< Home