My Cuckoo's Nest
A couple of years ago, I went to a therapist. He was a lunatic. I'm not kidding. I should've realized that when he refered to his wife as "that bitch" during our first session together, but I didn't. I wanted to believe that this man could help me, so I put all of my eggs in one basket, so to speak. Besides, I'll admit: I felt a kinship with him in terms of use of swear words.
After meeting with this guy about five or six times, I started to get the feeling that something wasn't right. That he hid behind his degrees. That, because he was "educated," he knew me better than I knew myself, and because of five 45 minute conversations, he knew what my "issues" were and he knew how to fix them. He immediately wanted to blame my family for all of my problems, but he enjoyed blaming me, too. Whenever I had an opinion, he gave me that look and sort of glanced at his framed diploma on the wall--like--who's the doctor here?
It was funny because I wanted to believe this guy so badly. I wanted him to have "the answers." But the truth was, he put a negative spin on every aspect of who I was: He said "high strung," I said "energetic." He said "paranoid," I said "cautious." He said "odd," I said, "creative." He said "control freak," I said "control freak" (alright, it was the one thing that we agreed on). He didn't want to help me learn how to take charge of my life being the person I was. He wanted to mold me into a whole new person who didn't have the same insecurities, worries, and fears. But by taking away those things, I believe that he would've also taken away some of my good qualities: namely, my passions and my enthusiasm. I didn't mind having the insecurities, worries, and fears--I just didn't want them to run my life.
Look. I'm all or nothing. I don't think that I'll ever be anything but. I am not going to be a "gray" area individual. It's black and white, baby. All the way.
The reason I tell you this is because there was one thing that the guy told me that was sort of good, that I've used as yardstick for a lot of my interactions with other people. He told me that in life, if you're having trouble making a decision about someone, like whether or not they are good for you, you've got to be "the bean counter." You've got to pull out a couple of mental jars (mine are mason, with gingham ribbons) and start putting "beans" in them according to the person's actions. For example, if the person says that they are your good friend, but they aren't there for you during your lowest moments, one bean goes in the "bullshit" (his term) jar. If they say that they've got your back, but then spread rumors about you, another bean goes into the "bullshit" jar. If they listen when you bitch about your husband and never hold it against you when you're raving about how wonderful he is, they get a bean in the "genuine" jar.
Et cetera.
Eventually, you've got two jars with a lot of beans. You need to look at your jars and see which one has more. That'll help you decide about the person's character and motivations, at least as far as their relationship with you is concerned. Or, as my therapist said, "Whether or not they are full of bullshit."
I've enjoyed this philosophy, which is why I named my blog "The Bean Counter." Also, because I like stats, and feel that I should've gone into some sort of career that involved numbers. It's hard to decide if someone is really your friend. Not all people are blatantly nasty all of the time. There are a lot of people who are passively-aggressive. Helpful in a mean way. Feel better when you feel small, and are more than willing to help you get that size. There are a lot of good people, too. Quiet people who may not put on "a show" but would fight the good fight alongside you anytime you needed them to.
Anyway, I might be changing the name of this blog. I haven't decided. But someone asked me in an email why it was called "The Bean Counter," so I thought I'd give you the "skeletons in closet, long-winded, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" version.
I'll leave you with just one more thing. If you start seeing a therapist and he refers to women as "bitches" or even, "fucking bitches," yet you're the one with the issues, run away.
Run quickly.
After meeting with this guy about five or six times, I started to get the feeling that something wasn't right. That he hid behind his degrees. That, because he was "educated," he knew me better than I knew myself, and because of five 45 minute conversations, he knew what my "issues" were and he knew how to fix them. He immediately wanted to blame my family for all of my problems, but he enjoyed blaming me, too. Whenever I had an opinion, he gave me that look and sort of glanced at his framed diploma on the wall--like--who's the doctor here?
It was funny because I wanted to believe this guy so badly. I wanted him to have "the answers." But the truth was, he put a negative spin on every aspect of who I was: He said "high strung," I said "energetic." He said "paranoid," I said "cautious." He said "odd," I said, "creative." He said "control freak," I said "control freak" (alright, it was the one thing that we agreed on). He didn't want to help me learn how to take charge of my life being the person I was. He wanted to mold me into a whole new person who didn't have the same insecurities, worries, and fears. But by taking away those things, I believe that he would've also taken away some of my good qualities: namely, my passions and my enthusiasm. I didn't mind having the insecurities, worries, and fears--I just didn't want them to run my life.
Look. I'm all or nothing. I don't think that I'll ever be anything but. I am not going to be a "gray" area individual. It's black and white, baby. All the way.
The reason I tell you this is because there was one thing that the guy told me that was sort of good, that I've used as yardstick for a lot of my interactions with other people. He told me that in life, if you're having trouble making a decision about someone, like whether or not they are good for you, you've got to be "the bean counter." You've got to pull out a couple of mental jars (mine are mason, with gingham ribbons) and start putting "beans" in them according to the person's actions. For example, if the person says that they are your good friend, but they aren't there for you during your lowest moments, one bean goes in the "bullshit" (his term) jar. If they say that they've got your back, but then spread rumors about you, another bean goes into the "bullshit" jar. If they listen when you bitch about your husband and never hold it against you when you're raving about how wonderful he is, they get a bean in the "genuine" jar.
Et cetera.
Eventually, you've got two jars with a lot of beans. You need to look at your jars and see which one has more. That'll help you decide about the person's character and motivations, at least as far as their relationship with you is concerned. Or, as my therapist said, "Whether or not they are full of bullshit."
I've enjoyed this philosophy, which is why I named my blog "The Bean Counter." Also, because I like stats, and feel that I should've gone into some sort of career that involved numbers. It's hard to decide if someone is really your friend. Not all people are blatantly nasty all of the time. There are a lot of people who are passively-aggressive. Helpful in a mean way. Feel better when you feel small, and are more than willing to help you get that size. There are a lot of good people, too. Quiet people who may not put on "a show" but would fight the good fight alongside you anytime you needed them to.
Anyway, I might be changing the name of this blog. I haven't decided. But someone asked me in an email why it was called "The Bean Counter," so I thought I'd give you the "skeletons in closet, long-winded, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" version.
I'll leave you with just one more thing. If you start seeing a therapist and he refers to women as "bitches" or even, "fucking bitches," yet you're the one with the issues, run away.
Run quickly.
posted by Cate at 10:22 AM
8 Comments:
Just as I pulled up your blog this very morning from my bookmarks and saw, "the bean counter", I asked myself, 'why does she call it that?'. Today you gave me the answer. Thank you. Your entry, as always, was great. Revealing, honest and insightful. I love it, and I love you, bean counter.
I like the name, course I pretty much had a clue to just what it meant. Talley ho!! heheh!
Another good one is this...If the person doesn't hear you when you say "No" they are trying to control you and they get x'ed oft!
I'm pretty much a three beans and you lose your jar and get the lumped sum pile:))) Life is short and hey, there are just so durn many fishes in the sea. Swim on, save your time for the pretty shiney ones. Look for the goldfish and leave the gars with the teeth behind.
That was an interesting story, I wondered what The Bean Counter meant.
While the guy sounds like a nut bag, the bean counter idea is genuis... I need to start applying this in my life...
Very interesting concept.
It may be something I need to apply to my life. I seem to give everybody too many chances. After a while, they seem to learn to be able to walk all over me.
BTW, you have a bean in the "genuine" jar.
Read ya' later!
Oh lord. I think I actually saw this same therapist for marriage counseling. My ex-husband loved him, of course.
I like the history on your blog name. It's a good name and a good philosophy.
I love the bean jar thingie. I'm currently going through something that I think it would work for. But here's the thing ... once I've counted all the beans, will I have the you-know-whats to follow through? That's a question I'll have to ponder. LOL!
Tanya
Beans in the "genuine" jar for you all!
Thanks to everyone for the comments. You made me think.
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